Top That

Well, I'm *this* much closer to feeling like a fully-employed person... as I have actually been into my office twice now and I have placed a box of kleenex on my desk, which means it's officially mine. I'm feeling frisky with employedness, which means it's time for some more underappreciated gems.

Welcome to Middle School 4Ever, Part One

Both of these movies are, objectively, quite bad. However, they got lots of play at sleepovers in middle school, which they earned because they're not just bad, they're awesomely bad.

Teen Witch
1989
Directed by Dorian Walker

The premise:
Louise and her best friend Polly are not very popular. But that doesn't stop Louise from crushing on the hottest boy in school, which--as we all know--can be hard on a girl.  Everything changes when Louise discovers--yes!--that she is the descendent of one of Salem's original witches, which comes with all the powers and responsibilities one might expect. Seriously, watch out for Louise.

Why I love it: First and foremost of all, the rapping. Also, the cheerleader locker room dance medley "I like boys". These alone are really enough to make this movie a must-see. However, there is also a stellar, and rather steamy, make-out scene. Basically, it's one of those girl movies that's so totally guileless and un-self-aware that you sort of can't help loving it, even if you were to hate it, which you won't.

Airborne
1993
Directed by Rob Bowman

The premise:
When Mitch, a bitchin' california surfer kid, is forced to move to Ohio (womp womp), he discovers that not only is he, like, cold, he's no longer popular. The kids in Ohio aren't into surfing (uhdoy) they're into hockey. Can Mitch use his totally rad rollerblade skills to get the better of them AND get the girl?

Why I love it: Jack Black and Seth Green. Witness, Seth Green as Wiley, sidekick and plucky comic relief. And young Jack Black as the brainless, hockey-playing bully. It's essentially the same premise as Teen Witch. Our hero is unpopular. The best friend is even more so. The love interest doesn't know they exist... yet. Why change a proven formula, people? Also witness: the most ultimate roller-blade race ever in movie history, and this dressing room montage. Tell me you wouldn't have loved this movie in middle school (and today).

Thanks to Trina and Emily for bringing both of these movies into my life when we were 13.

The On-going Saga

Mugi and I are currently sitting in a sunbeam, doing just about nothing. We do this a lot lately.

But not for long, god and the gov'ment willing. Over a month ago (in the beginning of December, actually) I got a new job at the State Department. I shake my fists in victory! But hold up: my projected start date was first January 2, then January 14. Then it was maybe hoping for January 22, and now finally... I might actually get to start tomorrow.

So, I'm in the odd position where every day for the past few weeks has been my "OFFICIAL LAST DAY OF UNEMPLOYMENT." Which is like girls gone wild in my brain, but it can't hold up forever. I keep eating cookies like it's the last day before I start dieting, but the diet never comes.

Anyway. I've been reading a lot in this downtime (in the same way that my heart has been beating and my lungs have been pumping). But I've been re-reading Harry Potter, which I don't think anyone cares about. I've got a few other books for you, however, that don't take place at Hogwarts.

The Silence of the Lambs
by Thomas Harris

Reading books that gave birth to popular films is a little hard. Your brain has a lot of preconceived notions and whether you decide to give in to them or resist, it can make things awkward. Case in point: Minerva McGonagall will always be Maggie Smith, and Hannibal Lecter? He's Anthony Hopkins no matter what.

If you're not familiar with this story, it's about a student who gets pulled into the search for a serial killer who is skinning young women and dumping their bodies.  Having no leads, the FBI sends her to discuss the case with Hannibal "the cannibal" Lector, a psychiatrist famous for... well... eating his patients.

Here's what I liked about the book: it was written in 1975, and yet it's marvelously current. The main character is a strong, beautiful, intelligent woman who is also human, and she has conversations with other strong women about things other than men (The Bechdel Test, y'all! Applies in books too.).

It always bothered me in the film that the killer, Buffalo Bill, plays off that old "queer people are evil" chestnut. It's a lowball, appealing to and reinforcing the lowest fears. The book makes quite clear that Buffalo Bill is not queer. He's evil, yes, and insane, yes. But not because he's gay or transexual, which he's not. The book goes to extreme lengths to make sure we know that.

All of that to say that I was pleasantly surprised by the book. It was a good, quick read. It's not necessary to read all of this sex/gender-equality stuff into it... that's just what I do. It's perfectly possible to just read the book and enjoy a good thrill.

Girl Walks into a Bar...: Comedy Calamities, Dating Disasters, and a Midlife Miracle 
By Rachel Dratch

Oh, the recent trend of comedienne's memoirs, what a wonderful trend indeed. Both Tina Fey's Bossypants and Mindy Kaling's Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? are books I could pick up and read over and over again. There are parts of this book that are like that (about every other chapter in the first half) but I'm sad to report that this book just doesn't have the same "oomph."

Dratch's story is more... shall we say, sincere? Which is maybe a nice way of saying, less funny? The first half is about her life in comedy and adventures in dating, complete with mayhem and mishaps. The second half is about how she accidentally got pregnant after she thought she would never be able to. Dratch is a funny woman, to be sure, but this book reads more like two good books that got smashed together--leaving both of them a little limp--rather than one cohesive book. Book 1: My time at SNL and life as a comedienne. Book 2: My crazy baby story. Both are good stories, but neither is fully developed.

Gone Girl
By Gillian Flynn

There's actually not a lot you can say about this book without giving away all the good stuff. I'll keep this short and simple: the book begins when Nick Dunne's wife Amy disappears. The first and second parts of this book ("Boy Loses Girl" and "Boy Meets Girl") are so tight, and tense, and delicious that they make up for the less-stunning third act.

I don't read a lot of mysteries and thrillers (please ignore the fact that there are two in this post alone), because I find them a little repetitive. This one is like a bolt of lightening in a dark room. The characters are strong, the writing is smart and nuanced, the story is gripping. The split narratives, Nick's and Amy's, play beautifully off of each other. It's about as good as a book can get without being truly great.

The Anti Film-Buff

I watch a lot of movies. I would not go so far as to say I'm a "film buff"--that implies some higher level of knowledge about movies like "Chinatown" and Fellini's "8 1/2". I mostly just love the movies that were at eye level at the Video Station and the Crawford Library--so they came home with me a lot. Hence, I have a lot of favorite films that most people couldn't be bribed to watch. The other day, Tim specially requested that I share some of these unappreciated gems on my blog. There are a lot of them, so I'm starting with just two.

I'm not saying that no one has heard of these movies (ok, maybe some of them), just that they deserve more love. A lot more.

Galaxy Quest

1999

Directed by Dean Parisot

Starring: Tim Allen, Sigourney Weaver, Alan Rickman, Tony Shaloub, Sam Rockwell

This is, hands down, one of the funniest, tightest comedy films I know. It's less a spoof than an homage to Star Trek and the Trekkie/Trekker phenomenon.

The premise: the aging actors from a wildly popular but now defunct sci fi series called, of course, Galaxy Quest, spend their days signing autographs at Quest conventions and appearing at the grand openings of car dealerships. Over the years, they've all pretty much grown to hate their lives, except Jason Taggart (Tim Allen) who is still pathologically attached to his character, Commander Nesmith. Things get interesting when Jason shows up for a gig thinking he's in the hands of typical fans, who turn out to be real aliens in need of rescuing. Hilarity ensues.

There are a decent number of Star Trek in-jokes, but you don't really need to be "in on it" for the movie to be funny. Most of the comedy takes place in the finely-tuned facial expressions and gestures of the cast. Sigourney Weaver, Alan Rickman, Tony Shaloub, and Sam Rockwell ("I'm not even supposed to be here. I'm just 'Crewman Number Six.' I'm expendable. I'm the guy in the episode who dies to prove how serious the situation is!") absolutely kill. This is one of those movies that just makes you feel better when you're in a bad mood.

Cutthroat Island

1995

Directed by Renny Harlin

Starring: Geena Davis, Matthew Modine, Frank Langella

This movie was not only a box-office flop (it only earned $10 million, while the budget was over $90 million), it caused the downfall of its production company, just about ruined Geena Davis' career, and may have driven the popularity of pirate films into the grave (not to be exhumed until Pirates of the Caribbean in 2003).

It is, nonetheless, one of my favorite movies of all time. Almost on par with The Goonies, but not quite.

The jokes are bad. The stunts are unbelievable. The accents are cheesy. The dubbing is AWFUL. But Geena Davis is a total badass. She does her own stunts, she doesn't take any shit. She hits someone in the face with an eel.

All of the awfulness reminds me of the silly, cheesy old pirate movies where the guy sticks his knife in the sails and glides down to the bottom. But in this film, there are two important differences:

1.) All of the explosions are turned up to 11
2.) The main character is a woman who is beautiful, and scary, and strong, and a little bit weird. It's not some cute gang of hot girl pirates giggling and running around. It's Geena Davis. And she has legitimate fight scenes. And she's the CAPTAIN.

You have no idea who influential this was on me when I was 12. I saw this movie in the theater and then when the VHS (yes, VHS) came out, I watched it almost every day for about a year. I took it very seriously, as a 12 year-old. But for you grown ups, remember: the film begs not to be taken too seriously. It's a pirate movie, for god's sake--with a monkey in it. Enjoy the cheesiness.

White Beans and Bacon "Goulash"

This recipe is delicious. It's not really necessary for me to say that, since it has bacon in it, which, like, duh. In case you don't know, white beans and bacon are like the Lucy and Desi of food (bacon is obviously Lucy).

I serve this over rice, which make it sort of a combination of a cassoulet and your standard beans-and-rice dish. It's not a true goulash, but it reminds me of one in it's satisfying warmth and deliciousness. It's pure comfort food. Once again, there are no pictures because we ate it all.

White Beans and Bacon "Goulash"

3 strips of high-quality, thick bacon (or more, I suppose, if you feel it in your soul)

1 half medium onion, diced
3 cloves garlic, minced

1 can great northern beans (rinsed and drained)
1 can diced tomatoes (with garlic, if you can find them)
1/4 to 1/2 cup white wine
Cooked rice for serving

Cut bacon into half-inch pieces. Sauté in heavy skillet on medium-high until some of the grease is rendered, then add chopped onion. Cook until onion begins to turn translucent--about 4 minutes--then add garlic. Add a pinch of salt and a dash of pepper. Sauté 5 more minutes, but do not brown onions.

Add the tomatoes, undrained, then the rinsed beans.  When tomatoes are bubbly, add white wine. Simmer over medium or low heat (as needed) heat until the sauce has reduced. I let mine cook while my rice was cooking--about 20 minutes. But it's not necessary to cook it this long. If things get sticky, add a little bit of water.

Serve over hot rice.

Comfort food. Yes, indeed.

Serves 2 overeaters.

Making a list, checking it a hundred times...

Ugh, Ayn Rand.

I made it to my goal of fifty books just under the wire this year. Hurrah! (Those two 19-hour car rides to Texas and back really helped.)

Inspired by Leela Fish, I've done a little searching and established two lists of novels I feel I should read in my lifetime. One is "classics" and the other is more contemporary. Both have some very weird things on them. Also, both are dominated by cranky old white men. I did my best to shuffle it up a little, but one can only spend so many hours making spreadsheets with book titles.

I have no idea how people establish these lists. First of all, its ludicrous to claim that you can list the 100 best novels of all time or the 100 novels everyone should read. Maybe I should be reading more fluffy things and you should be reading more science fiction? Have these all-knowing list-makers read them ALL? What criteria defines "best"? Anyway, making these lists made me half giddy and half cranky.

Take a look and let me know what you think. If anyone would like to do a book club-style reading of any of these books with me, I'm totally game.