Top That

Well, I'm *this* much closer to feeling like a fully-employed person... as I have actually been into my office twice now and I have placed a box of kleenex on my desk, which means it's officially mine. I'm feeling frisky with employedness, which means it's time for some more underappreciated gems.

Welcome to Middle School 4Ever, Part One

Both of these movies are, objectively, quite bad. However, they got lots of play at sleepovers in middle school, which they earned because they're not just bad, they're awesomely bad.

Teen Witch
1989
Directed by Dorian Walker

The premise:
Louise and her best friend Polly are not very popular. But that doesn't stop Louise from crushing on the hottest boy in school, which--as we all know--can be hard on a girl.  Everything changes when Louise discovers--yes!--that she is the descendent of one of Salem's original witches, which comes with all the powers and responsibilities one might expect. Seriously, watch out for Louise.

Why I love it: First and foremost of all, the rapping. Also, the cheerleader locker room dance medley "I like boys". These alone are really enough to make this movie a must-see. However, there is also a stellar, and rather steamy, make-out scene. Basically, it's one of those girl movies that's so totally guileless and un-self-aware that you sort of can't help loving it, even if you were to hate it, which you won't.

Airborne
1993
Directed by Rob Bowman

The premise:
When Mitch, a bitchin' california surfer kid, is forced to move to Ohio (womp womp), he discovers that not only is he, like, cold, he's no longer popular. The kids in Ohio aren't into surfing (uhdoy) they're into hockey. Can Mitch use his totally rad rollerblade skills to get the better of them AND get the girl?

Why I love it: Jack Black and Seth Green. Witness, Seth Green as Wiley, sidekick and plucky comic relief. And young Jack Black as the brainless, hockey-playing bully. It's essentially the same premise as Teen Witch. Our hero is unpopular. The best friend is even more so. The love interest doesn't know they exist... yet. Why change a proven formula, people? Also witness: the most ultimate roller-blade race ever in movie history, and this dressing room montage. Tell me you wouldn't have loved this movie in middle school (and today).

Thanks to Trina and Emily for bringing both of these movies into my life when we were 13.

The Anti Film-Buff

I watch a lot of movies. I would not go so far as to say I'm a "film buff"--that implies some higher level of knowledge about movies like "Chinatown" and Fellini's "8 1/2". I mostly just love the movies that were at eye level at the Video Station and the Crawford Library--so they came home with me a lot. Hence, I have a lot of favorite films that most people couldn't be bribed to watch. The other day, Tim specially requested that I share some of these unappreciated gems on my blog. There are a lot of them, so I'm starting with just two.

I'm not saying that no one has heard of these movies (ok, maybe some of them), just that they deserve more love. A lot more.

Galaxy Quest

1999

Directed by Dean Parisot

Starring: Tim Allen, Sigourney Weaver, Alan Rickman, Tony Shaloub, Sam Rockwell

This is, hands down, one of the funniest, tightest comedy films I know. It's less a spoof than an homage to Star Trek and the Trekkie/Trekker phenomenon.

The premise: the aging actors from a wildly popular but now defunct sci fi series called, of course, Galaxy Quest, spend their days signing autographs at Quest conventions and appearing at the grand openings of car dealerships. Over the years, they've all pretty much grown to hate their lives, except Jason Taggart (Tim Allen) who is still pathologically attached to his character, Commander Nesmith. Things get interesting when Jason shows up for a gig thinking he's in the hands of typical fans, who turn out to be real aliens in need of rescuing. Hilarity ensues.

There are a decent number of Star Trek in-jokes, but you don't really need to be "in on it" for the movie to be funny. Most of the comedy takes place in the finely-tuned facial expressions and gestures of the cast. Sigourney Weaver, Alan Rickman, Tony Shaloub, and Sam Rockwell ("I'm not even supposed to be here. I'm just 'Crewman Number Six.' I'm expendable. I'm the guy in the episode who dies to prove how serious the situation is!") absolutely kill. This is one of those movies that just makes you feel better when you're in a bad mood.

Cutthroat Island

1995

Directed by Renny Harlin

Starring: Geena Davis, Matthew Modine, Frank Langella

This movie was not only a box-office flop (it only earned $10 million, while the budget was over $90 million), it caused the downfall of its production company, just about ruined Geena Davis' career, and may have driven the popularity of pirate films into the grave (not to be exhumed until Pirates of the Caribbean in 2003).

It is, nonetheless, one of my favorite movies of all time. Almost on par with The Goonies, but not quite.

The jokes are bad. The stunts are unbelievable. The accents are cheesy. The dubbing is AWFUL. But Geena Davis is a total badass. She does her own stunts, she doesn't take any shit. She hits someone in the face with an eel.

All of the awfulness reminds me of the silly, cheesy old pirate movies where the guy sticks his knife in the sails and glides down to the bottom. But in this film, there are two important differences:

1.) All of the explosions are turned up to 11
2.) The main character is a woman who is beautiful, and scary, and strong, and a little bit weird. It's not some cute gang of hot girl pirates giggling and running around. It's Geena Davis. And she has legitimate fight scenes. And she's the CAPTAIN.

You have no idea who influential this was on me when I was 12. I saw this movie in the theater and then when the VHS (yes, VHS) came out, I watched it almost every day for about a year. I took it very seriously, as a 12 year-old. But for you grown ups, remember: the film begs not to be taken too seriously. It's a pirate movie, for god's sake--with a monkey in it. Enjoy the cheesiness.