Conversation Starters

Going home after such a ridiculously long time is an exercise in re-adjustment, like readjusting to free public toilets.

for Instance, I had forgotten that my mom's boyfriend (who shall henceforth be refered to as "Jed," because that is his name) greatly disapproves of small talk, instead opting for such conversation starters as:

"What was that one about the diaper?" (To my mom, instead of "hello.")
"All you gotta do is give that sucker a shove and we can roll it across the road!" (Trying to recruit Tim and me into acts of hay-bale vandalism)
"Just eat some horny-goat-weed, Bob, and get it over with." (Commenting on a TV commercial)

and my favorite recent conversation:

Jed (out of nowhere): "I just wanted to look at the freakin' toys but the clowns kept harrasing me?"
Mom: "What?"
Jed: "Oh, I was going into the toystore and they wouldn't let me get past unless I put on this freakin' balloon hat."
Mom: "Well did you?"
Jed: "Well, yeah."
Mom: "So where's the balloon hat?"
Jed: "It popped. So now I'm a dollar short and all these freakin' kids are looking at me like I'm the crazy man. (Makes a crazy face) 'Check me out, man!'"
Mom: "You paid the clowns a dollar for a balloon hat?"
Jed: "Well, yeah... everyone can tell I'm a pushover"

This, this, is why I love coming home.

Another example of Jed's brilliance is the natural progression of our pet names. For instance, our dog, Dixie, AKA "Silly Smells," watch:

Dixie
Dixie Loo
(or Stiffy Loo, or Whackin' Loo)
Loo Loo Belle
Looley Belle
Wooley Belle
(or Whackin' Belle)
Silly Smells

I know it's a bit of a leap from "Wooley Belle" to "Silly Smells," but it fits. Our dog is a melange of silly smells.

In short, anything I learned about French in France is dwarfed by what I learn about the English Language in my own household.

"You buy 'em books and buy 'em books,

you buy 'em a mule to ride to school

and what do they do?

Stand on the books and eat the teacher."

-Jed Hart